Thoughts behind my Silhouette

I can see my silhouette on the ground
Nothing to light me up but the moon
No stars are visible
This pain is inevitable
There is no trace of happiness
Just fear, loathe, and regret
I wish I didnโ€™t love you
And the stars came out for me
I wish I could forget
Like how easily you turn it all to waste
I miss me
Please stop breaking my heart

This silence is so loud
I tried to speak but voice doesnโ€™t come out
My heartโ€™s whining inside
My feelings are to subside
But I keep on coming back
Through this rope that I still hold on to
Both ends of this tag of war is you
I have nowhere to go
Just worse memories and worst memories
Sickness rushes inside of me
I wish you had never looked me that way
So I shouldnโ€™t have caught your eyes
That made me stay
Time has passed and what I only see
The silhouette on the ground is me


To the M***** I Loved:

What do I miss? Looking in your beautiful eyes as it stares right back at mine. Do you even miss that? I know you don’t; you never knew me and I never knew you.

At night, I still feel your arms holding me tightly. I can still feel your breathing. You showed me the most honest smile that makes me happy more than anything. I wish it was all real. But it was all just in my imagination, so what can I do?

Call me stupid for falling in love with you. But I’d never consider love as stupid. Wanting to be happy isn’t stupid, even though it breaks your heart in the end.

It broke my heart in the end.

I just hope that one day, our paths will cross and you’ll remember me. I’m the girl from the mystery of your dreams who loves you so dearly. I really hope my prayers came true that even only in your dreams, you somehow knew me.

And I’d be happy.


Love, your Mary


What I think is not what I do

So, you guys know that fangirling made my heart broken.

So I decided to stop. Or at least limit my fan girling.
I talked to myself to remind me not to be too excited about my Mr. Celebrities again and I understood everything I told myself. But..

Two days later, I heard this song. I fell in love with the voice of the singer. So I googled him. (Oh no)
1 hour later, I was fangriling again.

My expectation: ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜โ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜‡๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜™โค๏ธย (calm fangirling)
Reality: ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜š๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ง๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿคค๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ’˜ย (over fangirling)

Oh no, oh no. What can I do? I just can’t stop. I’ve been fangirling all my life & it’s just so hard to eventually stop.

My solution? Since the internet is the only way I can connect with my Mr. Celebrity, I finally decided to refrain from googling him. In that way, I won’t ever know if he has a girl friend which will break my heart again. My only problem is, controlling my thoughts. What if I created a new world again? (Oh God, I hate that idea.)

That, I don’t know. Maybe I just have to keep myself busy so crazy thoughts will not flood my mind. Yes, that might work.
(Haha, might)

Just so you know, I downloaded some pictures of him when I first googled him. But I think that’s already enough. I’ve learned a lesson before and now I’m applying that lesson for a better fangirling outcome.

And for some reason, I have Mr. Meter and Mr. Rose to go kilig over instead of Mr. Celebrity #1 and #2 right?ย ๐Ÿ˜

I’ll keep you updatedย ๐Ÿ˜Š

(And p.s. I promise not to cry at night anymore because Mr. Celebrity #1 is dating)



What happened today?


My life is really not that interesting and adventurous (I wish it was though) but today wasn’t a bad hair day so I feel like sharing things right now. heehee

So, I stayed up til 2 am watching Mr. Celebrity’s interviews on youtube (I know I swore I’m never gonna google him but now look, I’m youtubing him!ย ๐Ÿ˜ญ) This is how things turned out with my sleepy head:

  • I woke up at 6 am. (4 hours of sleep ugh) I’m definitely crossing things out on my to do listย ๐Ÿ˜’


I planned that I’m gonna go to school early so I can print my school report but I ended up going to school exactly when the bell rang so my plan didn’t work, yet again. So before class, I tried going to every place at school where I know I can print my report but everyone’s busy so I can’t! So minutes before my presentation, I ran outside the campus to find a computer shop but before that, I tried hard convincing our school guard to let me out the campus. When I got back to my classroom, they were all waiting for me so I had no choice but to go in front and talk in a businesslike tone with my face all haggard. (But I was happy because I still pulled it off.)

  • During Science, I was SO sleepy. I really regret staying up so late just because of those videos ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But can you blame me if my energy comes out at night and not in the morning? I don’t know why but my energy level during the day is not as high as my energy level during the night.


  • Since I am in SHS, I can’t join the majorette anymore. I really miss the girls, though. I’m really gonna miss doing crazy things with the squad. So, this new majorette member is gonna buy my uniform. It was fine with me because I’ll have money! But by the time I was handing her my uniform, I felt like crying. I didn’t wanna give it. It’s a part of me.ย My 10th Grade was beautiful because of joining majorette and I felt bad selling my uniform and gold bootsย ๐Ÿ’”ย Actually, I didn’t sell my baton ๐Ÿ˜›ย It’s still staying in my room safe and sound because I’d give up anything except for it. My reason is, I don’t want to forget how to twirl a baton so I think that’s already acceptable. (I actually avoided the girl during dismissal because I’m afraid she’ll ask me about the baton. No way.)


  • As you see, things haven’t been so good to me but it all changed this time. It’s because of Mr. Meter!! (You probably know him if you’ve read my posts before) I just saw him look my way before he left. And I was so kiligggg!


I finally had an eye contact with him again! I miss looking at his eyes. You know, we danced last prom and I still remember the way he smiled at me, the way he looked me in the eyes and the way he intertwined his fingers with mineย ๐Ÿ’˜ย It was sooo magical.

* * *

It was not a very good day for me but I won’t ever call it a “bad hair day”. I loved every single part of it because I’ve learned a simple lesson in every situation. For example:

  1. I’ll never stay up so late again because of watching his videos. Especially if it’s school day tomorrow.
  2. I should learn how to let go of things specially when other people need it more than I do. (But still keep a single remembranceย โœŒ๏ธ)
  3. And lastly, try controlling my excitement when I catch Mr. Meter looking at me because I’m 80% sure he saw me run after that scenario. (ew embarrassing)

That’s it for now. Thanks for reading !

Ryry x