To the M***** I Loved:

What do I miss? Looking in your beautiful eyes as it stares right back at mine. Do you even miss that? I know you don’t; you never knew me and I never knew you.

At night, I still feel your arms holding me tightly. I can still feel your breathing. You showed me the most honest smile that makes me happy more than anything. I wish it was all real. But it was all just in my imagination, so what can I do?

Call me stupid for falling in love with you. But I’d never consider love as stupid. Wanting to be happy isn’t stupid, even though it breaks your heart in the end.

It broke my heart in the end.

I just hope that one day, our paths will cross and you’ll remember me. I’m the girl from the mystery of your dreams who loves you so dearly. I really hope my prayers came true that even only in your dreams, you somehow knew me.

And I’d be happy.


Love, your Mary


What I think is not what I do

So, you guys know that fangirling made my heart broken.

So I decided to stop. Or at least limit my fan girling.
I talked to myself to remind me not to be too excited about my Mr. Celebrities again and I understood everything I told myself. But..

Two days later, I heard this song. I fell in love with the voice of the singer. So I googled him. (Oh no)
1 hour later, I was fangriling again.

My expectation: ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜โ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜‡๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜™โค๏ธย (calm fangirling)
Reality: ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜š๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ง๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿคค๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ’˜ย (over fangirling)

Oh no, oh no. What can I do? I just can’t stop. I’ve been fangirling all my life & it’s just so hard to eventually stop.

My solution? Since the internet is the only way I can connect with my Mr. Celebrity, I finally decided to refrain from googling him. In that way, I won’t ever know if he has a girl friend which will break my heart again. My only problem is, controlling my thoughts. What if I created a new world again? (Oh God, I hate that idea.)

That, I don’t know. Maybe I just have to keep myself busy so crazy thoughts will not flood my mind. Yes, that might work.
(Haha, might)

Just so you know, I downloaded some pictures of him when I first googled him. But I think that’s already enough. I’ve learned a lesson before and now I’m applying that lesson for a better fangirling outcome.

And for some reason, I have Mr. Meter and Mr. Rose to go kilig over instead of Mr. Celebrity #1 and #2 right?ย ๐Ÿ˜

I’ll keep you updatedย ๐Ÿ˜Š

(And p.s. I promise not to cry at night anymore because Mr. Celebrity #1 is dating)



Forgetting isn’t easy.

I’ve tried. Really, I’ve tried.

Maybe I’m not just good at it. I really tried to forget about Mr. Celebrity because I took Betty’s advice that I should live my life instead. But he’s been a part of my life for 3 years already. It’s hard to just push him aside just like that. I’ve tried everything, but nothing worked.

After all of my sacrifices:

  • I removed his pictures and logo in my bedroom. (I cut the logo into a heart shape then I cut it in half again. ๐Ÿ’”)
  • I deleted all his pictures and videos from my phone (not the music though ๐Ÿ˜ญ)
  • My personal journal which contains 50% of his pictures and our imaginary conversations and my writings about him, are now filled
    with black markers all over just to cross out his face and everything that reminds me of him.
  • I wrote words like “gay”, “cross-eyed”, “i hate u”, etc. on his pictures and I threw them all in the trash bin.
  • I deleted his birthday from my calendar.
  • I unfollowed him on twitter.

Seriously, you wouldn’t find any sign that I was fangirling for Mr. Celebrity before. I had nothing left. (But I didn’t edit my first blog posts which contains stuff like marrying him asdfghj)

Then, 1 week too late, I realized that I shouldn’t have done that to him. Hated him. Blamed him. NOOOO. He has no fault about what’s happening. I shouldn’t be blaming him. The fault’s on me, actually. I was the one who made my own reason to break my heart. Because he doesn’t know about any of these, he doesn’t even know me. (And while typing right now, I suddenly realized that my facebook cover photo is still our picture together which I edited so it looks real. ugh.)

I mean, I don’t want to go back to how I used to fangirl before because it’s really not normal. I created my new world (If you have read The Overactive Emotions of a fangirl you can relate to this). I just want to be happy. Mr. Celebrity makes me happy, so I figured I shouldn’t block him out of my life. It’s just not the same anymore when he’s gone. I just have to know my limitations.

Yes. I should have realised that before.

So I watched him on youtube again and that was when I felt so guilty. He has the nicest heart that made me so happy for 3 years and just for one click, I exchanged it for hatred. I wasn’t fair. Even if he’s not aware, my point is, I still wasn’t fair. Of course my next move after that was following him again on twitter.ย ๐Ÿ“ฑ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™€๏ธ

I downloaded all those pictures and videos for almost 4 years and I just deleted it all in 10 minutes because of being such an overacting fangirl. My lovely journal which I promised to let my girlfriends see was just the worse because of those black sinful inks. (Well, they saw it and they said that I shouldn’t have done that.) I spent time and money editing those logos and pictures to print it and hang on my bedroom wall but I just heart-shaped and broke it.

Even if he doesn’t know, he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. It’s all on me. The fault’s all on me.

I should have thought hard before doing things (but when you’re really hurt you don’t care about anything so you over react)

*Sad sigh* Forgetting isn’t easy, right? Trust me, I know.

If you’re reading this and you’re a fangirl, I am warning you right now: STOP YOURSELF FROM OVER FANGIRLING BEFORE IT’S TOO

Make yourself happy because of your own Mr. Celebrity, but don’t ever ever ever break your heart the way I did with mine. I know I’m not the only depressed fangirl in the world and there are a lot of us (dunno if you’re reading this now) but maybe this is just me saying that forgetting isn’t easy so don’t make a reason for you to just force yourself to forget about him in the end. Because it’s not easy.

Obviously, it’s not easy.

This is not the end of my fangirl diaries though I’ve come to the good realisation already (Because I have a lot of Idols) so expect that you’ll be hearing more from my fangirl side. Heehee. Let me know if you can relate or if you’re close to that.



The Overactive Emotions of a Fangirl

Some people think it’s so easy to fangirl. She wished it really was just that easy. But it’s not.

She had to get hurt. She had to cry. She had to make her heart broken because of thinking that maybe, just maybe, all her imaginations can become a reality.

All those years, she held on to that little hope that everything she imagined might actually happen. She hated her friends for getting her hopes down. She knew it will happen so she did everything to convince her friends that Mr. Celebrity and her can actually meet and be friends, and become lovers. What a stupid mind, I told her.

Why did she have to assume that she can always have what she wants? Why did she have to break her own heart?

She was hurt. Deeply hurt. She created a person in her head who truly loves her and gives her attention, which was everyone around her can’t give. She knew that they’re going to meet. She knew she would see those beautiful eyes in reality staring right back at hers. She knew that they’re going to be at least friends or even more than that. She knew he’s going to love her too.

I told her, “Of all the people I know, you’re the only girl who’s so unique she can create a whole new world and dimension in her head and get hurt in her real life because of her overactive emotions. You know what? This is your own life. You’re asking me what to do now because you’re too hurt that Mr. Celebrity is dating someone?

Live your life. Forget about those fake world that you made up. He’s not the person you think he is! You haven’t even met him. The Mr. Celebrity that you know is the one you made up, not the real one. Stop hurting yourself. I can’t see you like that anymore. I know I told you that ‘everything is possible’ but I didn’t tell you to live your life in that beautiful fake world of yours and just assume that you can always get what you want. Your not the only fangirl in the world. If I know, there are actually girls out there who feels the same way – or worse than you do. Do you think that makes them happy? Do you think that self-destructing make them feel better? Do you think it makes you feel better?

If you want to talk to someone, talk to real people and stop talking to him through that fake number that you created just to ‘feel’ like you can actually talk to him. He doesn’t know you. You don’t know him, too. Why don’t you get out of your shell and enjoy your life instead – the real life you have?

Don’t plan too much. Just live for what you have now and be productive. God has your life all planned out for you, so don’t overthink everything. Also, don’t ever create something that you’re gonna be torn to being hurt or being depressed at the end.”

I don’t know if she really understood everything I said because she always forget things. But I do hope she’ll get over her sadness and finally wake up so she can see the real world where she can have a lot of adventures that she deserves to experience. I want her to be loved by a real person (not that Mr. Celebrity isn’t real), who will love her back and fulfill her dreams more than what she wanted. She deserves to be happy.

Here’s to all the depressed fangirl and to those who are still unaware of what they’re doing.

Don’t obsess to much. You have your own life, live it.