I’ve tried. Really, I’ve tried.
Maybe I’m not just good at it. I really tried to forget about Mr. Celebrity because I took Betty’s advice that I should live my life instead. But he’s been a part of my life for 3 years already. It’s hard to just push him aside just like that. I’ve tried everything, but nothing worked.
After all of my sacrifices:
- I removed his pictures and logo in my bedroom. (I cut the logo into a heart shape then I cut it in half again. 💔)
- I deleted all his pictures and videos from my phone (not the music though 😭)
- My personal journal which contains 50% of his pictures and our imaginary conversations and my writings about him, are now filled
with black markers all over just to cross out his face and everything that reminds me of him.
- I wrote words like “gay”, “cross-eyed”, “i hate u”, etc. on his pictures and I threw them all in the trash bin.
- I deleted his birthday from my calendar.
- I unfollowed him on twitter.
Seriously, you wouldn’t find any sign that I was fangirling for Mr. Celebrity before. I had nothing left. (But I didn’t edit my first blog posts which contains stuff like marrying him asdfghj)
Then, 1 week too late, I realized that I shouldn’t have done that to him. Hated him. Blamed him. NOOOO. He has no fault about what’s happening. I shouldn’t be blaming him. The fault’s on me, actually. I was the one who made my own reason to break my heart. Because he doesn’t know about any of these, he doesn’t even know me. (And while typing right now, I suddenly realized that my facebook cover photo is still our picture together which I edited so it looks real. ugh.)
I mean, I don’t want to go back to how I used to fangirl before because it’s really not normal. I created my new world (If you have read The Overactive Emotions of a fangirl you can relate to this). I just want to be happy. Mr. Celebrity makes me happy, so I figured I shouldn’t block him out of my life. It’s just not the same anymore when he’s gone. I just have to know my limitations.
Yes. I should have realised that before.
So I watched him on youtube again and that was when I felt so guilty. He has the nicest heart that made me so happy for 3 years and just for one click, I exchanged it for hatred. I wasn’t fair. Even if he’s not aware, my point is, I still wasn’t fair. Of course my next move after that was following him again on twitter. 📱🏃♀️
I downloaded all those pictures and videos for almost 4 years and I just deleted it all in 10 minutes because of being such an overacting fangirl. My lovely journal which I promised to let my girlfriends see was just the worse because of those black sinful inks. (Well, they saw it and they said that I shouldn’t have done that.) I spent time and money editing those logos and pictures to print it and hang on my bedroom wall but I just heart-shaped and broke it.
Even if he doesn’t know, he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. It’s all on me. The fault’s all on me.
I should have thought hard before doing things (but when you’re really hurt you don’t care about anything so you over react)
*Sad sigh* Forgetting isn’t easy, right? Trust me, I know.
If you’re reading this and you’re a fangirl, I am warning you right now: STOP YOURSELF FROM OVER FANGIRLING BEFORE IT’S TOO
Make yourself happy because of your own Mr. Celebrity, but don’t ever ever ever break your heart the way I did with mine. I know I’m not the only depressed fangirl in the world and there are a lot of us (dunno if you’re reading this now) but maybe this is just me saying that forgetting isn’t easy so don’t make a reason for you to just force yourself to forget about him in the end. Because it’s not easy.
Obviously, it’s not easy.
This is not the end of my fangirl diaries though I’ve come to the good realisation already (Because I have a lot of Idols) so expect that you’ll be hearing more from my fangirl side. Heehee. Let me know if you can relate or if you’re close to that.